Update

Time for a monthly update? I had every intention of sharing all my profound and witty thoughts on a daily basis when I started this thing. No, not really... But I did have the intention of posting on a more regular basis.

Dear fans and dedicated readers (all three of you),

I'm still here. Life is busy, as usual.
I have some time to breathe today, so here I am!
School/Career plans have presented a few obstacles... I'm praying for Gods will in my life, and also praying for the courage to accept and act on whatever that may be.
I miss that sweet sailor boy more and more everyday, and I'm wondering how much more my heart will allow before it decides to crumble completely. I always said distance was not for me, and that I didn't have strength for the military. Yet, here I am... a big mess of pride and love mixed with tons of missing and longing. It's like that part in Sleepless in Seattle when the radio lady asks Tom Hanks what he's going to do and he replies, "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, After a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while". That part gets me every time. I realize that in the movie his wife has passed away. My situation is nothing like that, but that part makes my little heart hurt all the same. I'm not usually one to share so publicly about my feelings, but I think that went out the window when I wrote a poem about loving a sailor and read it aloud in class last semester. Hopeless, I know. :) 

and if you're reading this.. I miss you, friend. Come see me soon.

Other than being blissfully pathetic, class and work continue to demand my time. My goal of a healthy and active lifestyle is a work in progress, but it's going well (besides the pint of Ben&Jerry's I ate with Raidy, that is). Next week is spring break, which I plan to enjoy thoroughly. A trip to the Grand Canyon? Yes please.  

Thursday is one of my favorite days of the week, especially lately. Thursdays start at the gym, but then I have some hours to myself before work. I get to make myself a decent lunch, catch up on some homework from the online classes I'm taking, listen to my music as loud as I want, and catch up on laundry. Basically, I get me time without rushing about. Then, usually by the time work rolls around, I'm ready to see people. It all works out quite nicely. Thank you Lord for Thursdays.

Hopefully I will make it back here before a month goes by!    

Love,
-Me

For all those women with a man away. and for all those men who have women, waiting for them, with a yellow ribbon tied around their heart.

Protesting Summer

Between the never ending homework, studying for upcoming tests, and working I managed to find some time to make a little something for myself. I've been wanting to get myself an infinity scarf. I have found some really lovely ones... but could not bring myself to spend the money on something I didn't absolutely need. I mean, of course I need it! My neck needs to be warm, but getting rid of all my socks with holes has left me with a very limited selection. Wearing two different ones from the missing sock collection was not cutting it. I might have even worn the same pair twice, turning them inside out for the second use. Enough about the socks... I bought some new socks.

 

AND.. I made this scarf! I found this simple pattern, and the girl who posted it made this cozy looking lime green scarf. This was my first time knitting in the round, which was ok except my scarf is twisted. The girl said it was simple and great for starters, but to be careful not to twist your chain. um... yeah. It is sort of like the annoying twisted lanyard that you cant fix. I'll just wear it with my missing sock collection socks. Who will know?          

 

Ta Da!

 

 

P.S. You might miss spring in Tucson if you're not paying attention, and lately it feels like its trying to sneak right to summer in the middle of winter. This scarf is my protest.

It's good to smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Some days I have to remind myself to smile. Today I was not sure I could muster up the strength to be anything more than a puddle of self pity, but my dear God gave me encouragement throughout the day reminding me to smile. "Smile" being the song to play as my night came to a close.

Just to add a little life update...

My west coast adventure was so very wonderful. I was welcomed with warmth, and I fell in love with three sweet little faces. Those little faces were my 7 AM wake up call, my teeth brushing buddies, and my lap was hardly ever empty. Spent time with a boy that was much overdue. Went on adventures, tried new things, celebrated birthdays. I could go on forever about my vacation. Simply put, it was mostly perfect. Leaving was awful, but I came home to a best friend of a sister and feisty little niece. 

And now? Now I am working on finding the motivation I need for classes.

My mind has been racing all around with thoughts of the future, which can be terrifying. My heart is on a wild voyage of its own, which can also be terrifying. Lord, give me the strength and courage to follow your will and to trust you.    

When My heart is overwhelmed
lead me to the rock that is higher than I
Psalms 61:2

Come fly with me

Airports are a funny place. One of my favorites. Airports mean travel. Although sometimes that travel means deployment or leaving loved ones, which is never fun. Put the sad goodbyes aside and this is a very amusing place. From the polite conversation with strangers, the awkward scramble to redress yourself after security, to all the interesting people to watch. The business men, the young children, the girl with the iPhone applying mascara... Who are all these people? What is there story? Does the dashing young pilot have a wife and kids at home or is his life mostly in the air?

I always get little butterflies in my stomach when I fly as if I'm still the little girl running down the ramp with the little brother and his flopping hair. Airports meant taking a ride through the clouds. It meant picking up dad from his trips. It meant seeing family or new places! Don't forget the snacks.. Flying meant snacks, and dad always bought us those cute mini snacks. Flying meant ginger ale. As I got older it went from trading snacks and listing to music with Liam to trading snacks and listening to music with Liam at an older age. That silly boy would ask if this was my first flight. or maybe make puking noises into the barf bag, and then calmly say false alarm and return the clean bag to the seat pocket. No joke. Sometimes flying meant summer trips with the cousin, and the time we got to ride first class.


Now I'm quite grown up and flying alone. My first flight alone? Yes. I have my Reese's pieces and I just ordered a ginger ale. The view is still breath taking and scary all at the same time.

Well folks, I'm off for a weeks vacation to the west coast. Love to all.

Thank you for choosing Southwest Airlines.

I couldnt ask for more

It is Christmas tonight, and I am so very thankful for all the blessings in my life. There are so many different things on my heart and mind, but this is just a quick little update...

- The school semester has ended and winter break is setting in.. a much, much needed break!
- I was proud of my grades this semester (I thought just surviving was good! :) )
- My new job is going splendidly
- Family came to visit. It was wonderful and I miss them already
- I know most people probably think they have the best family, but that is only because they don't know what they are missing!
- I put in my two weeks at Macy's
- I got a new phone that can make and receive calls. No more toilet phone!
- I've become somewhat of a vagabond thanks to house sitting and what not... I miss my bed
- I just love this time of year
- I got all these wonderful presents today!
- I've eaten enough junk for a life time. I'm losing the weight loss competition, which is mostly disgusting. :/
- I'm looking forward to the visit from my sister and most favorite niece!

The list could go on and on, but for tonight I will leave it at that.

Merry Christmas, dear friends!

:)

Photo from Trail Dust Town with some cousins

What is a life without passion?

Without love? Without hope?

Some say the heart is foolish... some warn that following your heart can be dangerous. My God says that if I delight myself in Him that He will give me the desires of my heart.. and to trust Him with all my heart. When I was young I asked Jesus to live in my heart. My heart has hurt.. and ached. My heart has loved. It has been healed and restored. My heart has raced with excitement, and beat wildly with nervousness. My heart has skipped a beat.. I’m sure of it. This heart of mine is full of desires and passion. You can give your heart? It can be said that you have no heart.. or a lot of heart?

A sappy song. People falling in love. That patriotic feeling that fills the air at a ball game as the national anthem rings. A little brother who puts his heart into everything. Those purple heart strories. happily ever after. I'm a sucker for all that.

A life without a heart would be no life at all. I dont mean that you would be dead, due to the lack of that vital organ to pump blood through your veins, but who wants to live without a feeling heart? The heart that God captures and speaks to? My mom has always been a great example of someone who lives from her heart, and she has always encouraged us kids to do so. I thank her for that. As a little girl, I was a happy little dreamer. My world was full of wonder and adventure. I was going to grow up to be a princess. Not the boring kind of princess who sits in a castle wearing a ruffled dress and sparkly shoes, mind you. I was going to be the princess who fought for love, made it through the fire swamp, and helped prince charming slay dragons... with the ruffled dress and sparkly shoes! Now I am older and more mature. I work, go to school, pay bills.. I do grown up things. The passionate, dreaming heart? That has not changed much. What was my chemistry lecture about on Monday? I have no idea. I was too busy day dreaming... and possibly sleep dreaming too.

This is when my dad would say, "Can you just get to the point? This is too long.. your losing me."

I want to live from my heart. Fully and passionately. I want to love unconditionally and be loved completely and ardently in return. I want Gods love to shine brightly through me. Adventure? Travel? Yes please! and you know what? God says yes. I love that Steven Curtis Chapman song with lines like..

Let's follow our leader into the glorious unknown
This is a life like no other - this is The Great Adventure

..And discover all the new horizons just waiting to be explored...
...This is what we were created for

...This is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see...
...The love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams

I'm no bible scholar, and I am definitely not an example of a perfect Christian. Not at all! I do not have it all figured out. Most days I feel like I don’t have anything figured out, but I know Gods love is real. One of my recent goals is to be positive and to live in the now. School is mostly awful; I'm not a huge fan of work. Most mornings I have to drag myself out of bed with the reminder that I can get back in at the end of the day. That’s when I ask God if this is some kind of sick joke.. by "this is what you were created for" you surely did not mean THIS!? haha. I am learning to accept the fact that this is part of my adventure. Fire swamp? maybe.

P.S. I am a fan of John Eldredge. I first read Wild at Heart. Loved it. Even if you’re a girl.. worth reading!

“One of the most poisonous of all Satan’s whispers is simply, “Things will never change.” That lie kills expectation, trapping our heart forever in the present. To keep desire alive and flourishing, we must renew our vision for what lies ahead. Things will not always be like this. Jesus has promised to “make all things new.” Eye has not seen, ear has not heard all that God has in store for his lovers, which does not mean “we have no clue so don’t even try to imagine,” but rather, you cannot out dream God. Desire is kept alive by imagination, the antidote to resignation. We will need imagination, which is to say, we will need hope. ”
― John Eldredge, The Sacred Romance: Drawing Closer to the Heart of God

“Worship is the act of the abandoned heart adoring its God”
― John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We Always Dreamed of

“And after years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why won't you choose Me?" It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. "You will . . . find me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13). In other words, "Look for me, pursue me -- I want you to pursue me." Amazing. As Tozer says, "God waits to be wanted.”
― John Eldredge, Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul

“A mans calling is written on his true heart, and he discovers it when he enters the frontier of his deep desires.”
― John Eldredge, Wild at Heart

“Whatever form each of our own intimate adventures has taken in our fantasies, or in "real life," this Sacred Romance is set within all our hearts and will not go away. It is the core of our spiritual journey. Any religion that ignores it survives only as a guilt induced legalism, a set of propositions to be memorized and rules to be obeyed.
Someone or something has romances us from the beginning with creek-side singers and pastel sunsets, with the austere majesty of snowcapped mountains and the poignant flames of autumn colors telling us of something - or someone - leaving with a promise to return. These things can, in an unguarded moment, bring us to our knees with longing for this something or someone who is lost; someone or something only our heart recognizes.”
― John Eldredge

If you like pina coladas... and getting caught in the rain!

The goal was to quit one of the jobs I have now and get a job closer to home with better pay or tips. I decided today after class, and after my chemistry test, that I would fill out applications. I left class feeling sleepy and went on to take my chem test. Then it was on to job search. A quick glance in the mirror, some burts bees chap stick to cover any potential smelly breath, and a quick prayer. Stop one went well, stop two was good, stop three looked promising. Stop 3 had fancy doors and a beautiful view. I could be a server here. The gentleman behind the bar gave me an application and suggested I come back around 1:30, ask for Leslie. I finished some homework at home and grabbed some lunch.

1:24 rolled around so I threw on a more presentable skirt and some flats. I secured the unruly fly away hairs and I was on my way. The drive was ten minutes... ten minutes. Now that beats the current 40 minute drive! A few deep breaths and another quick prayer. I held my shoulders high and went in for my 20 seconds of courage. Here I come, Leslie! After that my experience was mostly painless, enjoyable, and quick... ended with a you're hired and quick tour around the place. What? Job searching is supposed to painful and long and hopeless and draining? Not this time. I left with a smile. Thank you, Lord!

Then I got home. I cant serve.. what did I just get myself into!? I worked out as my mind raced all around (it was like the scenes in Tangled when she goes from swinging to crying). My little muscles shook as I did pilates and then I laced up my running shoes. As I walked out the door it was threatening to storm and smelled like rain, which made for another lovely run. I don't know about pina coladas, but I like getting caught in the rain. :) My body hurt, but running felt good. I had that "Ive got the world on a string" kind of feeling. In reality I'm not that great of a runner. At all. You know those people you drive past and think, "Well at least they are trying". Yeah, that's me.

Sigh

This may be a cool story bro post. Maybe I'm crazy. My thoughts are all over the place, but I'm happy. Content. Things have been lining up for me and I feel like I'm closer to my goals. I'm still getting used to this grown up life stuff and the fact that I'm going to be 21 soon is weird. But even so.. I'm excited.

I have some homework to finish tonight, and I don't even mind. I know, I know... crazy, right?

Hot chocolate. Cozy socks. Nat King Cole. Homework.

Good night, beautiful world.