I'm Learning To Be The Light

Today at work I was trying to accomplish a simple task that involved printing, copying, cutting, and laminating. No problem. I was making it much harder than it had to be, because that's just what I do. Things the hard way. I wasted much more paper than necessary and asked the accountant for help. Mr. accountant loves when I bother him with ridiculous questions, but I think he loves the laughing and mocking me most. Anyway, in the midst of this simple office work, I thought to myself, "No wonder you are such a wreck. You're even over thinking and making the little stuff hard."

My mind is a scary place, let me tell you. It thinks, drives me crazy. All the time. I cannot turn it off. I had a discussion with someone one time about guys having an "empty box". That at times they are literally not thinking about anything. Blank. How is that even possible? I want an empty box. I have been known to obsess and over think about things for far longer than I am willing to admit. It is like that annoying song you cannot get out of your head, but worse. I get stuck on an idea, thought, etc... weeks. My mind just goes in circles. It drives me crazy, and I just want to scream. Where is the off switch!? Sometimes I come to a conclusion, sometimes it just goes away, sometimes it goes away and comes back, sometimes I just feel like a crazy person, and sometimes the crazy just comes out and professes it self in the form of tears, venting, saying things that evoke a, "you're crazy you know that?" Sometimes these thoughts are about little things, sometimes irrational, and sometimes about things of substance and meaning.

What should I eat? What kind of car do I want? Was that the right thing to say? All of the things I should have said to that person. What did that person mean when they said that? What should I do with my life? Is this the guy I'm going to spend my life with? Wow, that guy really does love me. Gods grace and mercy. Gods love. The zits on my face and back making me feel utterly disgusting, I'm convinced it is all people are looking at, and that they must think I'm disgusting too. Smelling.. yep, we all know it is a phobia and obsession of mine. If there are sweets, good sweets that is, in the house.. always in the back of my mind. What do I believe? What's the point? People, certain people will just be on my mind. Am I ever on anyone's mind... and then I wonder what those thoughts are like or how long they last. Sometimes I obsess and worry about imaginary children I don't have yet.

Sometimes I enjoy being too busy to think. I enjoy the fun that wraps your mind up in the bliss of the moment. I enjoy a good book to get lost in. A good movie. Running, dancing, working out, driving... all beneficial to my well being. Being surrounded by family and thinking, how did I get so lucky. Certain peoples hugs.. I melt in and just am. Soul feeding in a way.. the right touch at the right moment can do so much more than those people even realize, or maybe they do, and in that case.. I love you and thank you.

I do not know if there is even a point to all this blabbering. Recently I have been pretty consumed and wrapped up in my own thoughts. The waiting and figuring out times in my life usually lead to a mid life crisis of sorts. I find myself lacking the heart and passion I thought I once had. I find myself feeling defeated. I find myself putting myself down and no longer believing that I could do anything. I find myself asking what is the point far more than I should. I catch myself complaining. Whining. I find myself searching for reassurance. I find myself needing people. I find myself wanting to run away. I find myself blabbing and having a huge pity party on my blog.

When did I go so crazy? I need my happy, easygoing self back. The girl who looked at the world through rose colored glasses. La vie en rose. The dreamer. The girl who was impatient but hopeful. The one who was in love with her life, felt so incredibly blessed. The one who prayed and trusted God with her life.

As I have been all consumed in the crazy of my mind, the one thought that has been drifting around is how people view me. What do they see, what do they say.. what does my life say? I have had a couple people curiously ask me recently what I do outside of work. I felt like I should have a better answer than the one I gave. I say I am a christian, I believe in God. Does anybody even know that? What kind of example has my life been recently? I want to be healthy and in shape. For dinner tonight I had dessert. Yeah, so there's that. How did I get here? Give me strength, dear Lord. 

When I was 8 years old, I prayed a simple prayer and asked Jesus to come live in my heart. As I got older, sat in church and Sunday school.. I  listened to how we were all sinners and needed to be saved. I was a good kid.. I didn't get it. What filthy rags did I have? So, I fought with my siblings, would that send me to hell? I got a little older. Life happened along the way. I realized I wasn't perfect. I've made countless mistakes, big and small. I think I was 17 when I was baptized. In a smallish lake in Delaware. My uncle baptized my younger sister and I. Simple, real, outside. I love that. People always told stories about how when they found God their life changed, they were different. I was raised with God. I was a good kid, remember? I didn't feel superior.. I felt confused. My walk has been a slow journey. It's fitting.. Maybe God knew I needed slow. I had all that thinking to do. I have not always stayed the good kid along the way. Been lost far more than I would like to admit. Left my God behind too many times. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. I am no where near the Christian I want to be, but I now know that I need a savior. I know what Gods mercy and grace feels like. I know that Gods love is very real. Here's my heart, oh take and seal it. I know that I do not deserve Gods love. But He died for me. For me. For you. I love those scriptures about love. I want that kind of love to shine through me. That is my prayer. Maybe I will finally finish a degree, have a career. Maybe I will travel, or maybe I won't. Maybe I will be a mom one day. Maybe I'll pick up some new hobbies. I don't really worry about all that stuff.. My life will work out. Might be messy, I have many lessons to learn. But.. I want to live a life that is an example. Simply. I want to be able to show people the love that I have come to know. There is so much pain. Life really sucks sometimes. People have told me I care too much, that I need to take care of myself and not give so much for the people who don't deserve it. If God thought like that.. Well, I'd be out. Fill my heart and life with you, Lord. This little light of mine. Let it shine.

What's the point of all this? My life feels like it's been somewhat a wreck of late, say a prayer for me if you think of it. I want to be that little girl who just liked pumpkin pie and spun around in circles with her arms up because she could. Free. Happy. God gives me that. He knows my name. He calls my name and He says, Bridget, share my love. Maybe my journey and trials are to make me stronger, to make me more understanding and loving to others.. That was my thought today. Forgive me when I don't trust you, Lord. Don't give up on me. 

I do not know what my life says to others, but I know what I want it to say. I do not have to have it all figured out, but I've got a pretty cool God who does.

Love,
Bridget

Yoga on the sunny side of the street

Some things in life relax me, give a moments peace, make me feel like I might actually one day be able to run. One day I just might have a career. One day my life will continue to work out and fall into something beautiful and wonderful. I will proudly say, "This is my life." It wont be perfect, quite the opposite. I will still at times let my legs go too long without a razor, and I mean, to the point of irritation and visibility. Hey, one day.. I just might be able to touch my toes.

I'm not actually that good at yoga, but it makes me feel taller. Relaxed. The part at the end when you just lay on the floor might be my favorite. mmm. This week has been something. My brain has somehow become mush, my body is tired, and my mind preoccupied or just not fully functioning. Thursday night yoga was a good idea. And naturally, if you do yoga on a Thursday night you will most likely want to listen to Frank Sinatra Pandora. Or is it that you will most likely ask for a cookie? Milk? See.. I mean, yoga just opens all kinds of possibilities. :)

Tomorrow is Friday which for me starts my weekend of work and then merges right back into Monday classes. But tonight is all mine. Cookies and milk would be on the agenda, but with no cookies in I will settle for decaf coffee and laundry. Tonight would be a nice night to fall into the home of my Davids arms and watch a movie, but alas he is on a boat. Say a small prayer for him. He's already done and still has months to go. The boat must not have cookies and milk or yoga. :)

Well, happy Thursday to you fine folks. I've got a load to switch and coffee to enjoy.     

I'll be seeing you.

Hello Bisbee

Today little M and I took the afternoon off and took a drive down intersate 80. The scenery added various shades of green as we drove through a few patches of monsoon rain. Adventures with Raidy and I are full of excitement. We quietly enjoy the scenery, each lost in our own thoughts. Little M reads some. We listen to some music. We might exchange some words.. And by exchange words I mean just that. words. We leave the sentences and conversations for those talkative folk.

M: it's green here. 

B: yep. 

B: that's pretty

M: a mere glance and a simple nod 

After turning around a few times and relying on Raidys memory to find the place where you can get coffee and ice cream, That's where she parked last time, we made it. The weather in Bisbee was beautiful. We strolled down the street and through the little shops. The little shops, maybe the whole town, is like entering some sort of time warp where you get to browse through years of past history. After purchasing some plates we made our way back to the coffee shop where we enjoyed some lattes. On our way out of town we stopped to climb some of the stairs in the 1000 stair climb. I remembered reading something about a stair climb event and the first portion of stairs were marked in loving memory. After 94 stairs we came to a street and didnt really know what we were doing or where we were going. We agreed to find out more about these stairs as we walked back down the flight of 94. It rained on and off on the drive home, but not enough to make M and I roll up our windows. We're rebels like that. 

After returnig home to our humble abode, dinner on the back patio was a must. Fish tacos, 50's rock and roll pandora, and a rainstorm that seemed to follow us home... Perfect. What should we do now? Cleaning and all that productive stuff can wait till tomorrow! Raidy has her book, Leeny has joined us, and I'm almost cold. Grab a sweater and watch the sun go down? Is this a preview of fall? Oh baby. Thank you Lord for lovely days off like this. 

I hope you all are enjoying your Tuesday. You can join the McFadden girls on the patio.. We have chocolate chip banana muffins. :) 

I see skies of blue, 

And clouds of white. 

The bright blessed day, 

The dark sacred night. 

And I think to myself, 

What a wonderful world. 

I'm still here

I just finished a cup of coffee, Nat King Cole is so smoothly coming through my speakers, and I have this blank page open asking me to write something of value. Here I sit with no inspiration to write or do much of anything else. So I'm sitting. The clouds are dark and threatening to bring a monsoon storm, which I hope they do. We could really use the rain around here, and I mostly just love our monsoon storms.

Lately I have been doing a lot of waiting. I'm on a waiting list for school, I'm waiting for David, I'm waiting on tables. Waiting. Woo! I'm learning to be a very patient person. I'm thinking that's what I'm supposed to be learning anyway. I think its going to be a good thing. It gives me time to save money for school and try and figure out this life thing. It also gives me some extra time for vacationing, finishing projects, and exploring interests that have been set aside. Some days it just means extra time for sleeping and being restless. Or sometimes it means frustration and tears because I cant make anything happen any faster. I get tired of wanting and planning and waiting... I just want it now. Those are the days that make my little heart hurt. I ask God to help me with the patience thing.

Its starting to rain. Looks like a good one... I think I need another cup of coffee

When people ask me what's new, how I've been, or things of that nature... I feel a little defeated when I cannot answer that I have completed a major milestone. I have not invented anything, haven't inherited a fortune. My response has a lot of still here, still doing this, still that, still with... I stumble over my goals and plans trying to make it sound like I am not a complete bum. "Well at least you have a plan, that's good". Yep. At least I have a plan. I still enjoy working most days. I hate running but I like the way it clears my mind, puts me in a better mood, and makes me feel a little stronger.  

I used to complain about how busy I was. I had no time for anything, and I was exhausted. Now here I am complaining of the opposite. Some balance would be nice. Balance and patience... I'll get there. :)

Excuse me one moment. Everybody has gone outside to play in the rain...

... That rain is so cold! And I think it counts as my shower? 

In the mean time... I am happy. I am Blessed. I'm still Bridget. :) God has his plan and timing. Trust me, He says. Be content. Enjoy life. Have a day off work.. Drink some coffee. Play in the rain.

Ok. :)

I just got back from a trip to the west where I got to spend some time with my boy and his family. An Aunt who I look up to and who has become a friend. An Uncle to joke with and who has been so welcoming since day one. And three sweet little faces... My friends, Ava, Elaina, and Claire. They always make me laugh. Their perfect little hands hold mine, they want to sit next to me.. or on me. We played some baseball this visit. 3 little girls. One little pink bat. Ok, I'll be the empire. Batter up... One little girl walks up to the plate, smacks the ground with the bat and informs me that means she's ready. The rules are bent and made up as they go and when they hit the ball they just take off in any direction.. maybe to the right, maybe the left.. around the tree... eventually back to home plate.. or close enough and they are safe. Are you going to have a sleepover with us? You can sweep in my bed. I don't want you to leave . I love them.

Now I am home for 2 weeks and then I'm off again to visit more smallish friends of mine. David and I are going up north to visit the older sister, brother in-law and my most favorite nieces. I am thankful for these trips.  

Hope all is well, dear friends. I'll be seeing you. :)                                   

It's Been A Long, Long Time

"Kiss me once, then kiss me twice
Then kiss me once again
It's been a long, long time
Haven't felt like this, my dear
Since I cant remember when
Its been a long, long time"

World War II ended the month before this Crosby recording hit No. 1 on the
Billboard charts in 1945. Accompanied by Les Paul on the guitar, Bing
effectively captures the swelling anticipation of Americans regarding the
imminent return of their boys from overseas. The song remained on the
charts for 16 weeks.

As I sat here avoiding my homework, listening to music, I stumbled upon this little piece of history. I thought it was pretty cool.

I've thought about stopping by to update my blog countless times in the past couple months, but It seems I always found a reason not to. Not enough time. Nothing important to say. Homework to be done. Work to go to. I had the night off work tonight, and my homework is not going anywhere. Here I am... thought I would stop by for a quick update.

The holidays are right around the corner, and I cannot believe it. What happened? The time seems to be flying by way too fast for my liking. Even so, I am ready to welcome the holidays with open arms. It has been much too hot here in the wild west and, quite frankly, I'm tired of sweating. I'm ready to break out my beautiful scarves and sweaters. There is a sick love for the mornings that start with my own breath in sight. These are the same mornings that my fingers feel like little icicles and I let my hands take turns holding the steering wheel or being shoved under my legs. I've also been thinking about pumpkin pie and stuffing. I really love the holidays. I think they are quite wonderful. There is something romantic about those months at the end of the year. Sigh. Can I eat pumpkin pie yet?

I decided that it was a good idea to download the couch to 5k app and sign up to run a 5k the end of November. My goal was to run the month of October, and if I was still alive at the end sign up to run. Today while I was running, feeling like I was going to drop dead, I was thinking about how hard it was going to be to run the Saturday after thanksgiving. I have also noticed all these bruises popping up on my calves. My hips and ankles are still gaining strength or I need new shoes.. So those ache. I stubbed my big toe somewhere along the way and it feels broken. I'm falling apart. Thankfully, the run has been moved. I can eat pumpkin pie without feeling guilty about running that weekend, and I also have more time to get in running shape. Aside from falling apart and obtaining all these new aches, I think I'm actually making some progress.

The end of this semester is in sight and that is barely enough motivation to keep this girl showing up to class. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can! I'm barely maintaining my grade in physics and chemistry, but let me just say that my foxtrot is coming along quite nicely. I'm not so bad with a waltz or cha cha either. Taking a ballroom dance class this semester was a good idea. Once a week I get to spend two hours on that wooden floor pretending I'm Fred Astaire. In those two hours my brain is not thinking about friction or titrations, but my thoughts are more along the lines of,
"One two three. one two three...
step together back, step together back...
I wonder if I look as smooth and awesome as I feel...
slow, slow, quick, quick...
I love twirling...
I'm going to show Eileen this move when I get home...   
I love this song..."
I look forward to that 2 hours in the middle of my week.

Bed time for this girl.. My bed was expecting me and hour ago and I don't want to keep those wonderful pillows and blankets waiting any longer.   

Hope all is well, dear friends.

La Vie en Rose

"When you press me to your heart
I'm in a world apart
A world where roses bloom"

Mostly, I feel like I'm losing my mind a lot. Sometimes my stomach gets all tied up in knots for no good reason. This world is crazy, and I often lose hope in humanity. I honestly worry for my future children. Things usually like to conspire against me and all break at the same time (phone, car, etc.).

But ya know... Life is better through rose colored glasses. La vie en rose. Life in pink.

A young kid at work told me, "Bridget, you're always so solid". At least it appears to some that I have it all together. I am very thankful for the blessed life I lead. It may not be perfect and boy oh boy am I a far cry from perfection, but I'm thankful all the same. I'm not necessarily where I want to be or completely who I want to be, but I'm content. Life gets me down some days, and there are plenty of weeks when I feel that crying and the consumption of ice cream is the only option... But overall, I'm happy. I'm content. I'm "solid". Hah, whatever that means.

Some things in this life make all the not so fun things a little easier to handle. 

- Gods love.
Some days I take it for granted. Some days I'm not sure I deserve it. Some days it is overwhelming, but it's always there. His faithful love filled with grace.
- The sky.
I love the blue that goes forever. I love when the sun sets and paints this Arizona sky with color. I love the stars. I can pretty much look at the sky anytime of day and bask in its romance and wonder. It has this calming affect, and I fall in love with its maker a little more... and God says, 'for you, my love'.
- Music.
Play me a song and I'm in a good mood. Sing me a song... even better. Play or sing a favorite and we can be best friends.
- Driving.
Driving my Jeep with the windows down on a beautiful day will most likely become one of my favorite memories.
- Kindness.
Those small acts of kindness... A kind word, a mere smile, a thoughtful gift given at exactly the right time.

- Adventure.

This summer has been filled with all kinds of adventures, big and small. It has been lovely. 

- Parents

My dad still knows pretty much everything and I still need my moms hugs. Parents are a good thing to have. 

- That boy

Stealing my heart a little more everyday.

- My bed 

We have a good thing going...I like sleeping.
- Humor
Laughter is possibly one of my most favorite things.
- Swirl ice cream
What a great invention for someone so indecisive.
- Words like Gumption
Some words should be used more often.
- Freshly sliced lemons all in a row.
The yellow is quite happy and refreshing.

This happy girl is one busy week away from her last vacation before school starts again. Minot, Minneapolis, Calumet... en vie la rose continues! I will try to share some of my trip as I go.

     

Summer Beginnings and Silver Linings

"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino."
- Joe Fox

This is the line that goes through my head when I order my tall, decaf caramel macchiato. I laugh to myself and, for a moment, get caught up in the romance of Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly. That movie never gets old.

Two months and we get to hear about a cup of coffee, you say?

These past two months have sort of flown by. Birthday. Finals. Work. Catching up on some much needed sleep plus some. Family Visits. Brother graduating. Watching far too much Psych. Some summer burning and way too much sweating. Trying to get some volunteer hours in at the hospital. Planning trips to be taken this summer. Mostly I have been doing a lot of summer vacationing.. staying up too late, sleeping in too late, eating too many sweets, reading, and doing whatever I please just because I can. Yesterday, the little girls and I made a Starbucks run, spent some time at the park, went on a evening jog, and curled up with some ice cream and a chick flick after dinner. It was a pretty good summer day.

I have finished one book and cracked open another. I always forget how much I enjoy reading. Not because I have to, not a hurried or distracted 'I should be doing something else' kind of reading, and not the I'm going to try and read but really fall asleep because I'm so exhausted kind of reading... Just reading. Flippin' pages without a care in the world. Reading on the couch, in the chair, on the porch, at the park, in a box, with a fox... Yeah, I'm a fan.

I also pulled my camera off the shelf where it has mostly been collecting dust. I like taking pictures. I miss it. These days I do a lot of, "That would make a sweet picture" as I walk, run , or drive by. I decided I would be the chick who carries her camera everywhere this summer. I will not have the excuse of not having a camera on hand! So, I slung my camera over my shoulder and was off. Annnd, not even a mile away from home I realized  that while I snapped a self portrait (while driving) I carelessly placed my lens cap in the cup holder. Where it snugly fits and will probably stay forever. My attempt of rescue wedged it a little tighter. How does that even happen?

Besides the new home for my lens cap (until my dad comes to the rescue), it has been a good start to my summer. Even though I am not backpacking around Ireland, England, and Scotland with my little brother, it is still a good start. Too little money and a little too much work. Lesson: Don't work, have rich parents. or marry rich. :)

Silver lining: California, Minot, Minnesota, and Michigan are all in my near future. In the mean time.. I like my job and I have a bookshelf full of books.      

Just another night at work.

 

The Self portrait

 

Day at the park

 

Summer sun

 

The View from here

 

Sister to be silly with

 

More of a real self portrait. Up close and personal.. flaws and all.